It’s done and over with, no more poison in my heart. I’ve forced it out, and I feel calm and at peace, if a little wrung out.
The nights when I could not sleep and would only manage on 3-5 hours a night, the nights I kept awake with nothing more than alcohol to keep my belly warm, the nights I just simply stared listlessly into the screen, searching for something to keep the heartache at bay.
No more. It seems melodramatic, but now I can safely say I have moved past and survived all of that though I was aided by a trip to a beautiful country, the discovery of new and old friends. Burned some bridges, lived to tell the tale. It’s kind of sordid in a way, and yet I know it’s nigh time to pay my dues.
I did not get here by myself. I think I am really a lucky girl. Never one to be superstitious but I’ve been told I’m actually lucky but I have a tendency to worry and fuss too much for my own good. I admit – it’s true. I don’t like to project good things into my life because of the lurking insecurity of not-good-enough. But guess what? For some people, I will never be good enough. I will never be that prodigal daughter who follows with silence and obedience and without anger. I will never be that quiet person, at your side, taking your barbs and your casual put-downs. I will choose to be that person no longer because as Sylvia Plath once said:
“I took a deep breath and listened to the old bray of my heart. I am. I am. I am.”
For one you: I really do not regret what happened. What we had was good. It’s a pity you just couldn’t handle my sass. Nor could I open my heart so readily. You aren’t a bad person, neither am I. I’m sorry if I couldn’t open myself to you, I guess we aren’t right for each other in that way, though I admit I did like you very much once upon a time. I still would like to be your friend if I can, but I don’t know if you still want me to.
For another you: I’m through with feeling guilt for my decision which I made for my best interests. I can be sorry for you, but do you really want my pity? I chose to be an adult, you can pretend to be a victim but I cannot lie to your face to keep things the way you want them to.
For yet another you: I hope one day you find a friend who can put up with your chaos, but that girl isn’t me. You are a nice person, S. You just need to let people breathe and relax around you. Keep your demons at bay. We all have to.
To yet another: Don’t let insecurity/fear rule you. I need to learn this too. Life isn’t a competition.
And through all this, another person has endured the tests flung at my fickle heart. I just want him to understand this, and I need to let him know the better side of me, and decide if he wants it. He’s already seen the ugly, the unhappy, even the angry.
And if that person could be the one to see me through that, I do believe he deserves all the affections this girl can give.
