The nights when I could not sleep and would only manage on 3-5 hours a night, the nights I kept awake with nothing more than alcohol to keep my belly warm, the nights I just simply stared listlessly into the screen, searching for something to keep the heartache at bay.

No more. It seems melodramatic, but now I can safely say I have moved past and survived all of that though I was aided by a trip to a beautiful country, the discovery of new and old friends. Burned some bridges, lived to tell the tale. It’s kind of sordid in a way, and yet I know it’s nigh time to pay my dues.

I did not get here by myself. I think I am really a lucky girl. Never one to be superstitious but I’ve been told I’m actually lucky but I have a tendency to worry and fuss too much for my own good. I admit – it’s true. I don’t like to project good things into my life because of the lurking insecurity of not-good-enough. But guess what? For some people, I will never be good enough. I will never be that prodigal daughter who follows with silence and obedience and without anger. I will never be that quiet person, at your side, taking your barbs and your casual put-downs. I will choose to be that person no longer because as Sylvia Plath once said:

“I took a deep breath and listened to the old bray of my heart. I am. I am. I am.”

For one you: I really do not regret what happened. What we had was good. It’s a pity you just couldn’t handle my sass. Nor could I open my heart so readily. You aren’t a bad person, neither am I. I’m sorry if I couldn’t open myself to you, I guess we aren’t right for each other in that way, though I admit I did like you very much once upon a time. I still would like to be your friend if I can, but I don’t know if you still want me to.

For another you: I’m through with feeling guilt for my decision which I made for my best interests. I can be sorry for you, but do you really want my pity? I chose to be an adult, you can pretend to be a victim but I cannot lie to your face to keep things the way you want them to.

For yet another you: I hope one day you find a friend who can put up with your chaos, but that girl isn’t me. You are a nice person, S. You just need to let people breathe and relax around you. Keep your demons at bay. We all have to.

To yet another: Don’t let insecurity/fear rule you. I need to learn this too. Life isn’t a competition. 

And through all this, another person has endured the tests flung at my fickle heart. I just want him to understand this, and I need to let him know the better side of me, and decide if he wants it. He’s already seen the ugly, the unhappy, even the angry.

And if that person could be the one to see me through that, I do believe he deserves all the affections this girl can give.

In the Rabbit Year I learned that:

1) I get this epic high over two things. Bags and concerts. Don’t ask.

2) I was extremely emotional but yet shut-down when it comes to expressing it to certain people. Why? I guess it was just me, and me.

3) The best rapport I have are with people who are a little quirky and odd. Like me. I don’t judge but let’s just say all my good friends are the ones, which despite their relative oddity, have their shit together.

4) I still feel like I’m waiting for my life to begin. It gives me some anxiety, so I’m doing this thing when I try to focus all my energy and passion on finding a job/purpose.

4) I really can act like a total dude if I put my mind to it.I think I understand men a little better now (which is actually ironic, trust me). I still am by far and large, clueless as hell.

5) I’ve become very much more liberal about certain things, personally. Still won’t do many things due to my morals but yes.

6) Still have the habit of making endless lists which gives a false impression that I’m organized.

7) Still girly but think like a dude now. WHY. I guess I just feel it’s easier to be practical for now. Meh.

8) APPARENTLY I look younger than I really am which is a good thing, but it can also mean I’m extremely childish. Your mileage might vary. I like to think I will never grow old but trust me, I feel my mortality now.

9) Still think that I’m very silly and unprepared for many things ahead. Trying to prepare for the bumpy road. Anxiety is all right though, when you have company (bad as this sounds, but I mean that of understanding friends. see: Huckleberry friends as defined by the song Moon River.)

Althogether life is back on track for most part, and I feel like my heart has settled after overcoming many peaks and throughs (particularly during November, and the last few months of my Honours journey).

I’ve forgiven but not entirely forgotten. I’ve also learned to forgive myself for my mistakes (and sometimes for not listening to my instincts and acting at certain times). At the very least, I’ve gleaned some form of understanding.

As for love or lack thereof, I hope this song explains how hopeless I felt about it at some point(s) in 2011. But I guess we all deserve it, some form of it, and I’m glad I have people around me who love me (not entirely romantically) despite all my folly.

What can I say? I really did feel this way at a point of time. You can choose to disbelieve me, but here I am in all my honesty telling you this is how I felt.

Now with new friends, prospects, dreams and loves (not entirely romantic) in the horizon, I feel I’ve got enough energy to charge ahead and get myself tangled in working life.

Onwards!

I think it’s good to speak of such things openly and why I might react coldly to certain things. I have a weakness for revenge fiction such as Kill Bill, Sympathy for Lady Vengeance.

The reason is pretty simple: I’ve been objectified before. I believe every woman has. I have actually experienced forms of sexual harassment (more than once) in the workplace, public spaces, etcetera.

And for most part, I believe Asian society remains quiet (or woefully ignorant) of such issues. A point I raised just now at dinner was the case of a girl being groped at Zoukout 2010 (I think).

While the issue itself was disturbing, the comments surrounding it were even more so. Many men seemed to think she “deserved” it, she was a tranny, etc. I believe it’s irrelevant whether she was a transexual or not because the issue was clearly the violation of another human being.

I could write a whole essay/rant on this which will no doubt scare away many men (oh, what’s new) but I shall refrain from doing so because I believe I am scary/intimidating enough.

I’d rather be single forever than to submit to any man who believes it’s all right to violate another human being based on how they act or dress.

I’d rather be single forever than to marry a man who judges a girl for not being a virgin, but sleep around themselves (yes such men do STILL exist).

I’d rather be single forever than to be judged as loose just because I drink (sensibly) or because of the way I look.

P.S. Sorry this really makes me angry, any disrespectful comments for this post will hence not be tolerated. Also, I think I’m a rather feminine, straight woman which is why apparently it’s shocking I care so much and raise such issues on a regular basis (for those with simple minds at least).

1) Love others but love myself more.

It’s really true that you have to take care of yourself first before looking after others. Only then can there be a good balance and you can maximize your potential

2) Surround myself with more good friends:

There are great friends I’d love to thank so very  much for the past year.

Friend number one: A great listener and always there to tolerate my dramatics and smack me around if I get too silly! Able to be as random as me!

Friend two: Smart, sassy and in total control. Great giver of practical advice, awesome person to just chat about anything with. One of the least judgmental people I know.

Friend three: A completely positive and a person I always feel happier after meeting. Absolutely a comforting and mature presence in my life. Impromptu and knows how to enjoy life to it’s fullest.

Friend four: Makes me laugh even when I’m feeling extremely down, goes the extra mile. Great listener. REALLY REALLY smart, but not condescending. ENJOYS MY CORNY JOKES. (I can’t believe it either).

Friend five: Might appear stoic to most, but shows that she really cares at the right moments (and she knows the right moments.) Funny and random in her own ways.

Friend six: the most recent one I’ve gotten close to. Hilariously random, talented, intelligent, makes me laugh all the time and knows loads of cool stuff and facts. A patient person but can be very bitchy in a good way (i.e. has the wit to pull it off).

(I really should write notes to all of them or organize a giant group hug but I think they would be kinda freaked if they don’t know each other hahaha.)

3) Get a job

Most practical of the list but yes, I’ve rested enough and feel ready to start working. No more room dancing when I start though. (or maybe just slightly less LOL).

4) Treasure my health, look after myself better (and be a tad more vain)

I know some people think I shouldn’t get any more vain than I already am but I don’t starve myself to get there, so think of it as a positive thing hahaha.

5) Pay no attention to those with small thoughts

Most of the time, it can be hard to ignore negativity or narrow-mindedness but it absolutely turns me off. I’m sorry, it’s just one of my pet peeves.

6) Help those in need

There are people who have been ignored and neglected by mainstream society. Was just discussing this with someone the other day and we are both determined to start making a change, tiny or no.

These are my rough guidelines for my lifelong resolutions. What are yours?

Do I know you?

Losing weight. Gaining weight. New friends found, old friends support.

Drinking. Wine, vodka, Baileys, champagne.

Expensive tastes, cheap thrills.

Shutterbug obsessions. Self expression. Not caring about what everyone else liked which ironically made me more likable.

Boys, men, friends, frenemies, forgiveness.

Italy, Melbourne, Hong Kong (and a little side trip to Malaysia).

Gym, concerts, live music.

Hiding. Going out. Reading.

Ninjas. Finding out what I really want and love. Becoming stronger.

Ending the year surrounded by good friends, hoping we all emerge stronger in 2012.

Starting another new phase. I hope all of you can come along for the ride.

I’m sure many of you have seen pictures of Florence (which is beautiful), Rome (gorgeous) but for me the highlight of the trip was the beautiful little seaside town called Positano.

It’s like a pastel-coloured dream.

Even the skies seemed to be coloured more brilliantly in that part of the world.

There was a strong Moroccan influence in the clothing and the architecture. This building looks like a mosque.

Stars the place is very hilly and the roads are narrow, with steps everywhere made of cobblestone (wish I took a picture to capture that!)

All in all it was a good break coupled with some time for much-needed quiet reflection. More on that later perhaps. A bittersweet way to part with 2011 and work out my direction for 2012.

Bitter pill because I guess I’ll never get my answer anytime soon and I hate this side of me.

I know I’m ridiculous but when things aren’t clear, it drives me crazy and I can’t have that now, can I ?

Words are tawdry and cheap. Trust me, I’m a wordsmith and I love them, but in the end, they hold so little value and are easily lost.

THE REALISTIC WISHLIST

1) Marc Jacobs Daisy Eau So Fresh *not the regular one*

The scent is sweet, refreshing and doesn’t make me sneeze or give me a headache. Bottle is insanely cute, I’ve liked the Daisy bottle since its inception but didn’t like the scent.

2) James Jean Rebus! Favourite low-brow artist, can be found at Basheer Graphic Books <3

3) DVDs.

- I’m currently insane over Dexter, Game of Thrones, and on the lookout for Brown Eyed Girls’ older albums (for the emo drama queen in me that apparently has been coming-of-age this year).

4) Sofia Ajram art print (but maybe not just yet, as I need someone to help frame it up for me hehehe)

http://www.etsy.com/shop/orobas

5) Help me fulfill my toilet roll of to-reads.

And I mean toilet roll.

6) An hour/or a few, of your time.

There is nothing I’d want more

7) Albums from a) Florence Welch, b) Kimbra (I don’t think it’s out here?), c) BEG *except for the one I already have which isssss Sound G*

8) Sigma Bunny Brush Collection (travel sized, I doubt I will use the full one? I don’t know, I need eye brushes and it seems like a high quality set with good enough tools for beginners. Plus would prefer a smaller set. REALLY. Can be bought off their website.)

THE UNREALISTIC WISHLIST

1) Jeffrey Campbell Nightwalk (aka my hooves, size 37/36.5 LOL)

Black is safest but snake preenz are welcome too!!!

Yes they are insane looking and I love them. Don’t judge ;(

2) New laptop! Tempted by the Macbook Pro. No thin laptops please, I hate using external hardware D:

3) … God I don’t even know, an awesome job or something. Sponsor me jazz dance classes? (would really prefer a formalized form of class as I wanna learn after all hahhaa).

4) Olympia Le Tan book clutch (bitches are expensive)

THINGS I WILL NEVER LIKE UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE.

1) Twilight. *glares* (Don’t ask me to explain my disdain because I will talk your ear off, and you might regret it HAHHAA. Also if you get easily offended and are a fan of the series… YOU WON’T LIKE WHAT I HAVE TO SAY.)

2) Stuffed animals.

3) Striptease from Steven  Lim LOL if you did this to me I assume you hate me from the bottom of your heart and want me to stop being friends with you D:

I’m flying off to Italy from 10-22 December, have a great Christmas ahead kids. XOXO.

I want Love, and a Man, not a Boy. I’m not explicitly after whoever is more stable or good-looking. I am no gold digger. I’ve dated rich men. However he has to have his life in order and know what he wants. As I do. I come off as not knowing what I want at times but frankly deep down I know what I do want, but am giving myself time to consider. He need not be there yet but has to have a vision in mind.

To just want a boyfriend, for me, is quite a waste of my efforts. Relationships take time to grow. They take commitment. It’s hard work at times. If I’m willing to do it, I definitely will have to consider the capability of the person and whether we are heading in the right direction. But in order to do that I need to get myself on track as well. I want a partner, not a toy. I offer him the same respect.

As boring and unromantic as this sounds, I admit when I fall, it’s usually deep. I would say this structure I’ve imposed on myself is really for my own good because I lose my head easily. Clinically, this is how I go about it when butterflies are dying to burst from my belly. What can I say? I don’t believe people understand just how much I get affected under a placid surface (a select few know how hopeless I am.)